(no subject)

[project2501]

i miss you so much, tonight. i miss every one of you. and when i close my eyes, almost, i can reach out, i can feel you there, far away. whether you are in Albuquerque or Oregon or San Francisco or Dublin or just down on 30th street. living your life, day by day, without me. you kiss her good morning. you go to the shops. you dance in the black light. you fall asleep early. you chop wood for your fire. you tie back your hair.

and afterward, you all go to coffee, and everyone laughs at your jokes.

and you've changed, you've changed. you've cut your hair, you've grown a beard, you've changed your style, you've changed your walk. you're older now -- we're both older, now. but i -- i would still know you, if i saw you tomorrow. i would still know you if we passed on the street. you are in all my stories. you are in all the songs. i could never forget you, scattered fragments of my heart.

but have i changed the smallest thing? is anything different at all? a half-remembered fragment, like a trap -- the smell of shampoo, a familiar turn of phrase, a stranger's gesture? the slightest pull, like gravity? when you close your eyes, can you feel me, too?

Comments

[zevhonith.livejournal.com]

This is beautiful, and breaks my heart. I feel this every single day.

And thank you for including Oregon.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

the feeling is always there. if i focus on it, it makes me cry, knowing i just can't be a part of all the lives i want to be a part of. i sometimes want to call up someone i broke up with ten years ago just to say, "i was just thinking of you, and i wanted to know whether you're having a good day." that's a bit creepy, so i try to just send good vibes to people. i imagine what their lives are like now... i imagine how happy they are, and hope that things have really gone that well for them.

the older i get, the more i find everything reminds me of someone. someday my life is going to be too full of triggers for me to ever leave the house.

[zevhonith.livejournal.com]

I was just talking last night about the people I'd lost, and how much I want to find them. Not for any reason, just so, like you say, I can see if they're happy, see if they're okay.

as an aside...

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

i'm continually surprised by, given how close we weren't, even when we both lived in the same city (and how, for awhile there, we really didn't even get along), how many things you get that no one else really does.

Re: as an aside...

[zevhonith.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. (Ha!) It surprises me too. It's become so common that a lot of times now I think, when I'm writing something, "well, I know at least _wirehead_ will understand this."

It's also interesting, considering the number of differences between us in general.

[catblade.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, I'll always remember you.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

*smiles*

you are awesome.

[catblade.livejournal.com]

You too! That is what makes you so memorable...

We are thinking (planning, really) of going to NYC next summer for a few days. Not sure when yet... but I definitely want to see you for a bit then.

[xaiax.livejournal.com]

"the older i get, the more i find everything reminds me of someone. someday my life is going to be too full of triggers for me to ever leave the house."

Or to ever go back.


Re: your other topic, and newness becoming familiarity, now perhaps you see a little bit of what I find so utterly bizarre about people who've lived their entire lives in one (any) place.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

i don't know whether or not i see it. like... there's some essential thing you learn about yourself by being uprooted, that those people lack? or just that you're so used to the unfamiliarity that it's... more familiar than the familiarity?

[ikeru.livejournal.com]

you got me at the right moment for crying, darling.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

*chews*

yeah... i was crying, too.

[damion.livejournal.com]

There's a reason I cultivate forgetfulness.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

do you? that seems very sad to me.

[damion.livejournal.com]

I do. I hate feeling nostalgic. I'd far prefer to be creating new goodness than to dwell on the good that I used to have.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

they're not mutually exclusive, you know.

nostalgia is lovely. i mean, i agree you shouldn't focus on it to the point of not continuing to do things that are good... but isn't it good to have a store of fond memories that you can call upon when you're feeling down?

[damion.livejournal.com]

The problem is that I only ever do it when I'm feeling down, and so I more end up mourning the fact that those things are gone, than relishing how good they were. It usually ends up making my mood worse.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

sounds like you need to relish instead of mourn.

all things are transient. so, enjoy the hell out of them while you have them, and then remember them with a smile when they are gone.

...at least, that's my philosophy.

[endon-neu.livejournal.com]

Eeep..

I was in the club last night, despite not DJing and really feeling like I should have just had a quiet Saturday night in for a change. The guest DJ was playing hard electro stuff, which I just wasn't in the mood for, and she'd brought a lot of her "electro-clash posse" friends in for her set, and the place didn't really feel..."Dominion-y", you know? So anyway, I wasn't really drinking and I wasn't feeling sociable, so I was hoping to just dance, but that wasn't happening - the music was fine, but it just wasn't doing it for me at that point in time.

Anyway, later on, guest set over, O's back on decks, back to the "normal" music...still wasn't really feeling it, so I went outside for a smoke, which turned into 3 smokes, which turned into being tempted to go home early, despite meeting up with one of the few people I felt like talking to...came back into the club, vaguely tempted to fetch my coat and split, when O (bless her) played "This Shit Will Fuck You Up".

Cue me *barging* past people to get to the dancefloor, thinking "hey, maybe it'll be a good night after all", dancing my little cotton socks off, when about halfway through the song I kind of just stopped dead, and out of nowhere came the thought: "Fuck, I wish Kat was here now..."

Maybe as far as "triggers" go, it might not be the most flattering ;P, but I just thought I'd share it anyway...

"The feeling is always there. if i focus on it, it makes me cry, knowing i just can't be a part of all the lives i want to be a part of." - I know exactly how you feel, and I have to try really fucking hard these days not to focus on it, especially where some people are concerned...the past seems to telescope out far behind me, and the present and the future merge into a little infinitely small space where there's no space, no movement, no progress...meh.

In summary (after an overly long ramble): miss you...*squish*

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

*resquish*

somehow, that was exactly the sort of response i wanted.

...i miss you, too.

[razour.livejournal.com]

or Denver!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

definitely Denver!

[thedogofsputnik.livejournal.com]

awww... well, at the very least, we'll be seeing each other fairly soon and a lot sooner than I had expected. I was afraid, due to money stuff, that any trips to see anyone would have to wait till next year.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

squee!

btw, i think i forgot to mail you back, but the CTF stuff is happening on the friday night. so we're doing KGB stuff friday night and then (assuming it's still on) coming to see you play on saturday and hopefully hanging out for a bit, then we're coming back here on sunday.

we're coming down by train so there's sort of a lot of travel time cutting into the weekend.

[thedogofsputnik.livejournal.com]

there's the possibility that the gig in question is in suspended animation (don't get me started about the management skills of the local scene, I rant about it enough here) but that doesn't mean we won't have anything to showcase seeing as we've done "private performances" before ^o^ or even just giving copies out of stuff we've compiled in the makeshift studio that is my bedroom.

at the very least, there will have be SOME hanging out. ^_- i've made sure i have the evenings off that weekend so keep me posted on the whens and i will do so likewise with the whats and the wheres (and possibly the hows too...).

[dream-logic.livejournal.com]

i see the threads that link all of the people that i know, and i don't see the ones to the people that i used to know, and i regret the ... missing-ness of them, but my memory doesn't serve to bring the ghost links back in any vibrancy* (a blessing, as damion suggested? i wonder...).

it makes me more glad of the threads that do exist now, and the desire to tug all those threads, pull the orbits of all the people that i constantly lament not seeing enough of, just a little bit closer.




*except, for some reason, the nearly annual tradition of nursing a bottle of vodka, playing old depeche mode, smiths, bauhaus, etc... cds, laying on the living room floor on a rainy night, and wondering what the hell happened to all the people i grew up with...

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

...*tugs* ^_~

do you think we're all more connected now than we used to be? or is it just another medium (like BBSes) from which we will all eventually lose touch?

[dream-logic.livejournal.com]

i don't know. optimistically, yes, we're more heavily connected. there's obviously new connections, new threads, new dynamics... but at the same time there is a conservation-of-connectivity law being invoked: i think (a) people in general are too shallow of thought to communicate well; online presence lays bare that flaw, hence the high amount of online drama and (b) you watch something like fox news network (or any other cynicism-inducing activity) for an hour or so and you can't help feeling that segments of humanity are just becoming more stupid or evil than is imaginable (mostly the former) - like some cosmic racial karma evening things back out.

*sigh*

also, i think the biggest problem with BBSs was just that there wasn't a large enough variety in people online to actually consider it a viable population. i've been a member of communities of gamers, geeks, scifi, science folks, etc... but they were generally focused, intense, and/or dedicated. so relationships - the threads - were ... i don't know, like IR is to the visible spectrum: we see it with special equipment, but we don't see the rainbow of flavors like we do with something like livejournal.

yikes. mixed metaphors that include skittles + lj entries that start sounding like social anthropology papers = time to get some sleep.

*g'night*

[swordborne.livejournal.com]

You've changed. You're so much more confident now. Any time I'm discussing manageable poly with a friend, you're the one I think of, from the early days, when you were really still figuring even the beginnings out, to now.

And sitting at work the other day, a discussion of Beck came up, and I remembered the obsession you had in high school. You're so much more than you were then, so many more facets.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

aw. this made me happy. you're probably the only person in my life now who has that connection to the person i used to be.

(as an aside: sometimes i've thought i should write a book about poly, but... i wouldn't know where to start. i feel like i could do better than the Ethical Slut.)

...i should hope there are more facets now. i was rereading stuff i wrote in HS and thinking "ugh, if i met this person today i would have nothing to say to her."

though i can still trace my Beck-obsession to getting me into the sorts of weird experimental stuff that i listen to today ^_^

[luvlylady.livejournal.com]

Thank you...

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

you're welcome, sweetheart.

[faelad.livejournal.com]

I think of you often, and I'd just started to get to know you when you went to NYC. Luc, Elf, Morgain, and Jesse came over for dinner last night, and you were quite missed.

Thank you for this.

[catling.livejournal.com]

I have moments like this, too, what with the people I care about scattered across the country, and some in Canada.

Since you and I are actually geographically much closer now, there should be visiting at some point. I might be down in NYC in the not too distant future, if that happens, I'll let you know!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_wirehead_/]

i would love to see you!