(no subject)
Oct. 23rd, 2005 12:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
i miss you so much, tonight. i miss every one of you. and when i close my eyes, almost, i can reach out, i can feel you there, far away. whether you are in Albuquerque or Oregon or San Francisco or Dublin or just down on 30th street. living your life, day by day, without me. you kiss her good morning. you go to the shops. you dance in the black light. you fall asleep early. you chop wood for your fire. you tie back your hair.
and afterward, you all go to coffee, and everyone laughs at your jokes.
and you've changed, you've changed. you've cut your hair, you've grown a beard, you've changed your style, you've changed your walk. you're older now -- we're both older, now. but i -- i would still know you, if i saw you tomorrow. i would still know you if we passed on the street. you are in all my stories. you are in all the songs. i could never forget you, scattered fragments of my heart.
but have i changed the smallest thing? is anything different at all? a half-remembered fragment, like a trap -- the smell of shampoo, a familiar turn of phrase, a stranger's gesture? the slightest pull, like gravity? when you close your eyes, can you feel me, too?
and afterward, you all go to coffee, and everyone laughs at your jokes.
and you've changed, you've changed. you've cut your hair, you've grown a beard, you've changed your style, you've changed your walk. you're older now -- we're both older, now. but i -- i would still know you, if i saw you tomorrow. i would still know you if we passed on the street. you are in all my stories. you are in all the songs. i could never forget you, scattered fragments of my heart.
but have i changed the smallest thing? is anything different at all? a half-remembered fragment, like a trap -- the smell of shampoo, a familiar turn of phrase, a stranger's gesture? the slightest pull, like gravity? when you close your eyes, can you feel me, too?
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Date: 2005-10-23 05:19 am (UTC)And thank you for including Oregon.
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Date: 2005-10-23 05:29 am (UTC)the older i get, the more i find everything reminds me of someone. someday my life is going to be too full of triggers for me to ever leave the house.
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Date: 2005-10-23 08:32 pm (UTC)as an aside...
Date: 2005-10-23 10:40 pm (UTC)Re: as an aside...
Date: 2005-10-23 11:12 pm (UTC)It's also interesting, considering the number of differences between us in general.
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Date: 2005-10-23 07:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 08:23 pm (UTC)you are awesome.
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Date: 2005-10-23 10:38 pm (UTC)We are thinking (planning, really) of going to NYC next summer for a few days. Not sure when yet... but I definitely want to see you for a bit then.
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Date: 2005-10-23 07:26 am (UTC)Or to ever go back.
Re: your other topic, and newness becoming familiarity, now perhaps you see a little bit of what I find so utterly bizarre about people who've lived their entire lives in one (any) place.
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Date: 2005-10-23 08:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 08:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 05:26 pm (UTC)yeah... i was crying, too.
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Date: 2005-10-23 08:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 05:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 09:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 10:17 pm (UTC)nostalgia is lovely. i mean, i agree you shouldn't focus on it to the point of not continuing to do things that are good... but isn't it good to have a store of fond memories that you can call upon when you're feeling down?
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Date: 2005-10-23 10:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 10:43 pm (UTC)all things are transient. so, enjoy the hell out of them while you have them, and then remember them with a smile when they are gone.
...at least, that's my philosophy.
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Date: 2005-10-23 03:28 pm (UTC)I was in the club last night, despite not DJing and really feeling like I should have just had a quiet Saturday night in for a change. The guest DJ was playing hard electro stuff, which I just wasn't in the mood for, and she'd brought a lot of her "electro-clash posse" friends in for her set, and the place didn't really feel..."Dominion-y", you know? So anyway, I wasn't really drinking and I wasn't feeling sociable, so I was hoping to just dance, but that wasn't happening - the music was fine, but it just wasn't doing it for me at that point in time.
Anyway, later on, guest set over, O's back on decks, back to the "normal" music...still wasn't really feeling it, so I went outside for a smoke, which turned into 3 smokes, which turned into being tempted to go home early, despite meeting up with one of the few people I felt like talking to...came back into the club, vaguely tempted to fetch my coat and split, when O (bless her) played "This Shit Will Fuck You Up".
Cue me *barging* past people to get to the dancefloor, thinking "hey, maybe it'll be a good night after all", dancing my little cotton socks off, when about halfway through the song I kind of just stopped dead, and out of nowhere came the thought: "Fuck, I wish Kat was here now..."
Maybe as far as "triggers" go, it might not be the most flattering ;P, but I just thought I'd share it anyway...
"The feeling is always there. if i focus on it, it makes me cry, knowing i just can't be a part of all the lives i want to be a part of." - I know exactly how you feel, and I have to try really fucking hard these days not to focus on it, especially where some people are concerned...the past seems to telescope out far behind me, and the present and the future merge into a little infinitely small space where there's no space, no movement, no progress...meh.
In summary (after an overly long ramble): miss you...*squish*
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Date: 2005-10-23 05:25 pm (UTC)somehow, that was exactly the sort of response i wanted.
...i miss you, too.
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Date: 2005-10-23 04:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 05:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 06:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-23 08:22 pm (UTC)btw, i think i forgot to mail you back, but the CTF stuff is happening on the friday night. so we're doing KGB stuff friday night and then (assuming it's still on) coming to see you play on saturday and hopefully hanging out for a bit, then we're coming back here on sunday.
we're coming down by train so there's sort of a lot of travel time cutting into the weekend.
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Date: 2005-10-24 02:04 am (UTC)at the very least, there will have be SOME hanging out. ^_- i've made sure i have the evenings off that weekend so keep me posted on the whens and i will do so likewise with the whats and the wheres (and possibly the hows too...).
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Date: 2005-10-23 10:33 pm (UTC)it makes me more glad of the threads that do exist now, and the desire to tug all those threads, pull the orbits of all the people that i constantly lament not seeing enough of, just a little bit closer.
*except, for some reason, the nearly annual tradition of nursing a bottle of vodka, playing old depeche mode, smiths, bauhaus, etc... cds, laying on the living room floor on a rainy night, and wondering what the hell happened to all the people i grew up with...
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Date: 2005-10-23 11:34 pm (UTC)do you think we're all more connected now than we used to be? or is it just another medium (like BBSes) from which we will all eventually lose touch?
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Date: 2005-10-24 06:40 am (UTC)*sigh*
also, i think the biggest problem with BBSs was just that there wasn't a large enough variety in people online to actually consider it a viable population. i've been a member of communities of gamers, geeks, scifi, science folks, etc... but they were generally focused, intense, and/or dedicated. so relationships - the threads - were ... i don't know, like IR is to the visible spectrum: we see it with special equipment, but we don't see the rainbow of flavors like we do with something like livejournal.
yikes. mixed metaphors that include skittles + lj entries that start sounding like social anthropology papers = time to get some sleep.
*g'night*
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Date: 2005-10-24 03:32 pm (UTC)And sitting at work the other day, a discussion of Beck came up, and I remembered the obsession you had in high school. You're so much more than you were then, so many more facets.
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Date: 2005-10-24 05:46 pm (UTC)(as an aside: sometimes i've thought i should write a book about poly, but... i wouldn't know where to start. i feel like i could do better than the Ethical Slut.)
...i should hope there are more facets now. i was rereading stuff i wrote in HS and thinking "ugh, if i met this person today i would have nothing to say to her."
though i can still trace my Beck-obsession to getting me into the sorts of weird experimental stuff that i listen to today ^_^
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Date: 2005-10-24 04:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-24 05:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-24 04:23 pm (UTC)Thank you for this.
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Date: 2005-10-24 04:32 pm (UTC)Since you and I are actually geographically much closer now, there should be visiting at some point. I might be down in NYC in the not too distant future, if that happens, I'll let you know!
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Date: 2005-10-24 05:42 pm (UTC)